


You’ll always paint my sky

by r0manogers



Series: the rest I can do without [1]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, I suck at this, Romance, btw they're already married, everyone is just mentioned except for zoya and nikolai, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:28:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21522199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0manogers/pseuds/r0manogers
Summary: On the third day the situation became unbearable, and Nikolai finally decided to end this silly feud between the two of them.“I need to talk with my commander, in private” Nikolai announced, after the consul meeting.Zoya, who was already out of the door. Exchanged a quick glance with Genya, and walked back inside. Everybody left. They were alone.She rested her back against the nearest wall.“What can I do for you? Your majesty.” Zoya asked, bitterly.Nikolai raised one of his brows and took a step towards her.“Really Zoya? I thought we were adults” he saidOr, Zoya and Nikolai deal with their feelings about each other.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: the rest I can do without [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551202
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	You’ll always paint my sky

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the evntual mistakes, english is not my first language.
> 
> Tumblr: herostairss  
> Instagram: Maartinski

Zoya couldn’t stand it anymore.  
She was the Commander, and even before that, as one of the Darkling’s favourite, she was very accustomed with this. Long evening and dull conversations with unpleasant people, dancing with noble strangers who would let their hands slip a little to low and give her those dirty, presumptuous looks. She was used to it, she found it even fun at times; making this people realize they were utterly inferior and worthless, and breaking their hearts in a hundred different ways.  
_Well, not this time._  
She couldn’t bear it anymore; making those irrelevant talks and ignoring the fact that their country was on the verge of a war, their king was in danger and the biggest threat Ravka’s ever known was possibly back.  
But mostly, Zoya could not look at Nikolai standing next to Ehri and ignore the knot she felt in her stomach.  
She had never known jealousy, and why would she? She was always the best, everyone’s favourite, she could always find a way to get what she wanted.  
_Well, not this time._  
Zoya looked at them; Nikolai talking to someone, the princess with hand resting on his forearm. He looked dashing as ever, his eyes bright and his smile never faltering.  
_Damn it._  
She felt invested by a wave; envy, anger, sadness, it all came to her.  
She should have kissed him, that night, in the cave. She was tempted, she truly was, but what good could have it been? Right now she would feel even more miserable.  
In her mind she was running towards him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt: _Damn you, Nikolai, and your handsome face and your beautiful brain and your…everything._  
Instead she was there, nodding at some other general and still staring at the princess’s pretty fingers on her king’s arm.  
\--  
She was tired.  
Tired of dancing, tired of talking, tired of looking at Nikolai being Nikolai, tired of looking Ehri pretending to be happy, but mostly, tired of thinking.  
She took a sip of wine from her glass, and watched the room from her spot on the couch.  
Genya and David were nowhere to be seen (lucky them), Tamar and Toyla standing by the door, even Nadya looked pretty pleased with the evening.  
“Commander Nazyalensky” Nikolai’s voice almost whispered into her ear.  
“Was that supposed to be sneaky?” Zoya turned to look at him.  
The king chuckled, Zoya tried not to stare.  
“Dance with me?” he asked, offering his hand.  
“Not really in the mood” she was about to take another sip of wine, but Nikolai took her glass and put it on the closest table.  
He grabbed both her hands, and helped her up.  
“Can’t say no to your king” he smirked  
_She could have killed him._  
He lead her at the centre of ballroom, one of his hands on her back. Zoya put her arms around his neck.  
It felt natural, it felt good.  
They danced in silence for a while, until his breath so close to her face, and the feeling of his skin, warm under her fingers became too much. Then, Zoya decided that she needed to distract herself from the king that was currently holding her.  
“So, any news from Kirigin?” Zoya asked, trying to sound casual.  
“He proposed a deal” Nikolai answered. “I told him no”  
Zoya almost interrupted the dance. Nikolai, making such a firm decision without consulting her first was pretty odd.  
“And you did that without talking to me first?” she replied in disbelief.  
“He had some conditions” he explained  
“Isn’t an alliance with the king of Ravka enough?” Zoya said.  
“I know, I was shocked too” the king told her.  
Nikolai took a deep breath, suddenly looking very serious. His jaw clenched, Zoya could feel his muscles tense.  
“He asked to marry you. To seal our alliance by taking you as his wife”  
Zoya was speechless, she did not see that coming. Suddenly she felt dizzy; she was grateful for Nikolai’s hands holding her in place.  
“I told that bastard you’re not for sale” he said.  
“You should have asked me” Zoya said, coldly  
“I need help, but I’m not that desperate” he replied  
Zoya let her arms drop.  
“Yes, you are” she said, angrily “Nikolai, we are losing this war, how can you not see it? We need all the help we can get, even if it means sacrificing ourselves. You can’t lose Ravka, and Ravka can’t lose you, because you’re the best option it has had in a while. You were born for this, you were destined to be a king, and you need to do whatever you must to keep this crown”  
Nikolai looked at her as if she was mad, as if she had lost her mind. Maybe she had.  
She could almost see his brain, thinking, scheming, she could see him formulating his next phrase, but he stopped himself from saying whatever he meant to, from starting an argument, possibly.  
“Zoya, I said no” he sounded hurt, almost sad, and incredibly firm and convinced, as if nothing could change his mind.  
She was burning with anger, and she could see that Nikolai was too. They could have burned down the whole place.  
Zoya gave him one last burning glance, and walked away from him.  
\---  
Zoya did her best to avoid the king for the next couple of days.  
Avoid as much as she could, obviously. They still sat together at meetings and dinners, but anyone who knew them could tell that something was not right.  
Zoya and Nikolai shared that kind of complicity that made the others feel uncomfortable, as if they were not supposed to be there. They had this unspoked bound, they needed to look at each other to read each other’s mind, words were useless.  
They didn’t spend time alone, didn’t talk directly to each other for too long, they didn’t even look each other in the eyes.  
Zoya was very much aware of her childish behaviour the other night.  
It was unprofessional, she was supposed to be at the ball, but she couldn’t care less; Nikolai probably told the others that she was feeling unwell, or whatever he wanted to.  
She was still mad at him.  
_Nikolai thought he could make those kind of decisions about her life, and her future without asking her first._  
All those boring and useless balls were not meant for dancing and silly conversations, but for finding allies and help him save is country.  
Nikolai was not being reasonable, he was acting impulsively as he always did, she was only waiting for him to come back to his senses and talk to her. In the meantime, she continued to ignore him, even though she was caught by the king himself more that once staring at him, or at Ehri’s hand on top of his.  
\--  
On the third day the situation became unbearable, and Nikolai finally decided to end this silly feud between the two of them.  
“I need to talk with my commander, in private” Nikolai announced, after the consul meeting.  
Zoya, who was already out of the door. Exchanged a quick glance with Genya, and walked back inside. Everybody left. They were alone.  
She rested her back against the nearest wall.  
“What can I do for you? Your majesty.” Zoya asked, bitterly.  
Nikolai raised one of his brows and took a step towards her.  
“Really Zoya? I thought we were adults” he said  
She felt as she had been pinched. He was right, she was being childish, and she was very aware of that, but she wanted him to know that she was still mad at him.  
However, she decided to ignore this salty comment.  
“I don’t have all day” she replied, casual as always. “Talk”  
Nikolai came even closer; she felt as if the oxygen was running low in the room.  
The last time he had been close to her was at the ball, when his hands were hot and familiar on her back and she could inhale his scent.

He reached her, standing right in front of her; if she took a step further, she would have bumped into him.  
His blue eyes immediately found hers.  
Nikolai took a deep breath.  
“Zoya, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything about Kirigin, but I didn’t want to upset you. After everything you’ve been through you didn’t even deserve to know about such a stupid proposal. I could have told you, and you could have punched Kiring in the face yourself, or you could have done what you thought was right for your country and accepted his stupid deal. Once again, you would have helped my country and ruined your life”  
Zoya stared at him for a few seconds. She felt extremely grateful, because once again, he had been his amazing self, and angry at the same time, because he was being presumptuous.  
“Nikolai, I think I know what’s right for me” Zoya said, her voice a little loud.  
“You’re mad at me for wanting to protect you? You’re being unreasonable” Nikolai replied.  
Zoya felt the anger coming back to her.  
“I’m the one who’s unreasonable? Nikolai, your country is losing this war, you could have at least thought about it, or proposed another deal, he could have helped you and you said no without even thinking about it.” She felt hot all of sudden, and he was dangerously close now.  
She watched him almost losing it, clenching his fists and taking deep breaths; he took a step back and passed a hand through his hair. Zoya felt the urge to get closer, and find an excuse to touch him, like fixing his collar, or brushing inexistent dust off his shoulders.  
Being this close to him made her realize that she had missed him, in the most genuine way.  
She missed his company, walking around the palace with him, telling him about her day and listening about his, she even missed their late night conversations when she put him to sleep.  
Damn, she even missed bickering with him and his edgy remarks.  
“I’m sorry” he said, finally.  
“I didn’t want to hurt you” he admitted.  
She felt her anger washing off and disappearing as fast as it came. Deep down Zoya knew it, she had always known it. He was being smug, but he did it for her. He was the only person she trusted enough to talk about her past, she opened her heart to him and now he owned it, truly.  
Zoya didn’t think it was possible; she had endured too much to give away her heart so easily, but this boy, this brilliant, kind, gentle, smart, beautiful and caring boy won her heart with his easy laugh and soft heart.  
She couldn’t have him, she had always known that too. Still, she longed for him.  
That’s way she was mad, not at him, but at the world; because he was put in such a difficult position and she was not sure he would have been able to deal with the consequences of it, because he could only merry someone with royal blood, because she was not born with royal blood, because she pushed him in Ehri’s arms and because she could not have him.  
Zoya felt reckless, she wanted to kiss him, to feel his skin and his scent.  
And so she did it. She grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him in a kiss.  
This wasn’t her first kiss. She had kissed many people before, it always felt the same: entertaining and damp.  
This felt different.  
She felt Nikolai’s confusion disappear after four seconds, as he placed one of his hands on her cheek to pull her closer to his mouth, and the other on her lower back. Zoya herself, let go of his shirt and pulled her arms around his neck, one of her hands playing with the hair at the base of his nape.  
They pulled away, briefly, to breathe.  
“Shit” Nikolai muttered, and his lip were on hers again.  
This kiss was different, hungrier, more desperate. Zoya opened her mouth as she felt the press of his tongue against her lips. She pulled him closer, felling his chest pressed against hers, and his hand wondering dangerously close to her ass. She was filled with desire. And then, Zoya was pushed against the wall, her hips met his as he moaned into her mouth.  
It felt amazing, as if the everything was alright, Ravka was not in desperate need of help and she wasn’t in love with someone she could never have.  
She pulled away, abruptly, suddenly aware of the situation.  
_What was she even thinking?_  
She thought about running away, but apparently Nikolai was reading her mind.  
He gently grabbed her wrist.  
“Zoya, wait” he whispered, almost, out of breath.  
His hair looked messy and his lips swollen because of the kissing.  
He looked effortlessly beautiful.  
She needed to get away; her mind felt clouded, she couldn’t think clearly, she couldn’t even speak.  
“Let me go” she said.  
Zoya saw the pain in his eyes; they usually looked like the clear sky on a sunny day, now it felt like the sun was being replaced by a rainy day. It made her heart melt.  
But Nikolai let her go, of course he did.  
And she stormed out of the room, doing her best to hold the tears.

She ignored him for the rest of the day, and at dinner, and the next day at breakfast.  
She couldn’t even look at him without feeling both sad and guilty.  
He was hurt, she could tell by the way his eyes lacked of his usual brightness and his smile seamed unusually sad.  
She had seen him like this in very few occasions.  
What was she supposed to do now? She messed up, she knew that, but she couldn’t let what happened between the two of them, she couldn’t let her feelings for him interfere with her job. She was his general, and she was going to be for a long time, they needed a clear, non-romantic relationship to work well, to be comfortable again around each other.  
How did he feel about her anyway?  
Zoya knew he probably had a crush on her. Of course he did, in the end, everybody had a crush on her. But how far did it actually go?  
When she returned to her room that night, after a very quiet and awkward dinner, she found him there.  
He was sitting on her bed, with his head low, looking at his interlaced fingers on his lap.  
As he heard the door opening, he looked up at her.  
“Who let you in?” she asked, stupid question, but what was she supposed to say to keep it casual?  
Nikolai just rolled his eyes.  
“You shouldn’t be here” she said, moving toward the opposite wall, so that she was facing him. “The servants might be gossiping about you showing up in another woman’s room after dinner”  
“As if their suppositions were totally wrong” he replied.  
Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.  
“I talked to Ehri” he explained.  
“Communication is very important in relationships” she said  
Nikolai ignored her.  
“I know this alliance is very important, but she wants to marry me just as much as I want to marry her, and even though we’ve both always known that love is irrelevant to people like us, I’m not going to force either me or her in this marriage ”  
Zoya waited for him continue, he looked nervous, which was very un-Nikolai like.  
“We’ll find another bargain, and we’ll have this alliance with the Shu anyway, just without the marriage part” he finished.  
She couldn’t believe he really did that. But before she had the time to protest, he stood up and reached her. Again, she found herself stuck between Nikolai and the wall, which was, truthfully, not such a bad place to be. He cupped her cheek, and Zoya allowed herself to lay in his touch.  
“This doesn’t change anything” she said “You still need and heir and to secure your position, that was very foolish of you”  
Nikolai snorted.  
“Could you just appreciate the fact that I broke my engagement mainly because I am in love with you, and stop thinking about the rest for 2 seconds?” he said, as if his confession was the most natural thing in the world.  
Zoya forgot how to breath. He was so reckless and imprudent, but still, she was shocked by his surprising outcome.  
“So what now?” she asked  
Nikolai pulled his other hand on her waist.  
“If we survive this, I’ll change the rules” he declared “grishas won’t be seen anymore as a threat, and the best way to make sure it happens is by being a good example and sacrificing myself by marrying a grisha”  
Zoya felt weak, her heart was racing so fast.  
“Of course it will be difficult to find the right one” he continued “but I’m sure you’ll help me with that”  
Zoya chuckled, and playfully slapped his shoulder. He took her hand, and kissed it.  
“What do you say?” he asked  
Zoya grabbed his face, and pulled him in a kiss.  
This was neither sweet and shy, or hungry and desperate; this was slow and sluggish.  
They took their time to properly explore each other’s mouth, she ran her hand lightly down his neck, dusting gently his collarbone, while his hands rested on her hips.  
When they broke apart, they knocked their foreheads together, breathing heavily.  
“Was that a proposal moi tsar?” she asked, doing her best to contain her happiness.  
“mhhh, sort of. You know me, the real, official one will be so much more dramatic” he said.  
Zoya laughed. He breathed in.  
“Was that a yes Commander Nazyalensky?” he asked, leaving a light peck on her jaw.  
“Mhhh, marrying the most handsome man in Ravka, and living the rest of my life as a queen? Hard to say no” she said sarcastically.  
“Also, I’m pretty much in love with you, so it’s definitely a yes”  
Nikolai smiled, and the world stopped for a while, and then he kissed her.  
The world outside could burn, the Shu could say no, the Fjerdans could attack Ravka, and the Darkling could strike again, and right now she couldn’t care less.  
It was only them, the rest could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Soo, i have no idea how Leigh Bardugo will fix this whole situation, but I tried. Next work will 95% include sex, soo stay tuned. Love u all!!!


End file.
